Road Trip! (AmericaXReader)
by ObeytheCupcake
Summary: A love affair gone sour... In order to save his relationship he must go on a road trip across states to drop his 'friend' at his 'home'. Total crack, for the lulz.


I don't know how to say it, but I think I'm in love.

I don't want to tell anyone since I'm afraid that they'll judge me for it and it'll ruin a good relationship of mine. But, it doesn't matter; the heart wants what the heart wants, right?

All my friends would be disappointed… Don't even get me started on what Arthur would say. He'd probably not send me any Christmas presents this year! He always sends some of the best; last year he had given me twenty dollars and a big tootsie roll. That's probably as good as it gets!

I don't even know what my own flesh and blood would say, either. Matthew might not talk to me for a few days, but really, who cares? It's not like he major person in my life, but I know he does like to gossip. He wouldn't think twice about saying something about me, so I can't tell him thinking he won't say anything.

I sat my soda on a coaster that was on the table. Normally, I wouldn't use a coaster. But I had my girlfriend, (Name) over. We were going to have a nice dinner together and then maybe, just maybe, she'll lay it on me if you know what I mean. Haha, I don't get it. Francis told it to me one time. I asked him to explain it, but he walked away laughing. I think he told the same joke to Matthew; not sure.

But I normally wouldn't put my soda on these fancy coasters. I just do it to impress the ladies. And it turns out it worked. I met (Name) at a bar and I took my drink and placed it under one of those flimsy, paper ones. She went 'Wow, you use coasters?' and I went 'Hells yeah, baby' and then we shared a sex on the beach (The drink; I don't have sex with those I just met) and I got her number.

Just kidding; we met at a family reunion.

Well it was a family reunion/ bachelorettes party. I was supposed to be a stripper for the bride to be but instead I found (Name). She was pretty hot; not gonna lie. So I went up to her and grabbed a soda, placed it on the table. Then I thought 'Oh no, better use a coaster! Don't want to mess the table up!' grabbed a coaster, used it and she didn't do anything.

It was kind of hard for her to come to terms with my stripping, but I quit the job as soon as we started to date. She's still a bit freaked out by it. I tell her 'It's a good story to tell our kids!'. She doesn't think it is, and I find that weird.

But tonight, we were going to eat a nice dinner of Pizza Hut's hot wings and pizza. And if I'm feeling frisky, I'll order some of those cinnamon bread sticks; bitches love cinnamon bread sticks.

No, I am not calling my girlfriend a bitch; by bitch, I mean me. I love those things. I love the glaze and I love how sticky and gooey they are. I don't know if she likes them; it'd be good if she didn't so I can say 'oh shit, I'm sorry. Here's something for dessert.' And then I'll take those things and eat them up like nomnomnom. I don't know what she'll eat for dessert since the likelihood of the pizza and wings' being gone is pretty high.

But I've came to the conclusion that I want to get kinky as fuck with my eating, so I'll order these dessert bread sticks.

So I called them in and talked to someone over the phone for a long time since they couldn't understand what I was saying for some reason. I know like, a lot of words and I've mastered them by now and they still can't get it?

"Yeah, just deliver it at Pine Street. The number? Uh, 7." I said looking out at my mailbox. "Yeah, there'll be two houses; I'll be the bigger white house down the road." I said, trying not to chuckle. I love this game.

"Ah!7 pine street?" He replied.

"Yes, the bigger white house down the road."

"Ve~ I'm sorry?"

"The bigger white house down the road." I repeated, still trying not to laugh.

"Oh, ok! So Pine Street, 7 and the bigger white house down the road?" They said it. THEY SAID IT! I tried not to laugh because that's rude.

"Yup!" I smiled, waiting for my girlfriend and my breadsticks to come. Oh god, I'm so excited!

"Cash or credit?" They asked, but I had my credit card READY.

"CREDIT!" I shouted since I was EXCITED.

"Ok, what's your number?"

"…I have a girlfriend."

"No, silly!" The person laughed. "I mean your credit card number!" He chuckled. I didn't know!

"Oh! 8675309." I said, looking at the card. And then I hung up because I knew they didn't need anything else from me.

Anyway I heard someone knock on the door. Wow! They weren't shitting me when they said thirty minutes or less.

I walked to the door, ready to eat with or without (Name). But then when I opened it, it was her. Damn it.

"Hey, baby!" she smiled, hugging me. I hugged her back, smiling as I took a deep breath. Mmm… She always smiled nice! She always smiled like her work; she worked at Burger King (I know, gets me hard every time) and she always smells like burgers.

"Hey, I ordered the pizza and stuff." I said, walking her in. I shut the door behind me since I didn't want flies and wild Arthur's to come into my house. He'll only be allowed into the house if he has my Christmas presents. But then I thought of something. She sat on the couch, seeing my soda placed on the coaster. I bet she's impressed like the family reunion! "I got a question." I announced, sitting next to her.

"And what will that be?" She asked, looking over at me.

"Do you like those cinnamon breadsticks at Pizza Hut?"

"I guess so."

"You guess so, or you know? This is important." I went on. She wasn't going to play me like I was playing her.

Oops. I'LL EXPLAIN IN A SECOND.

"Well then yes, yes I do." She smiled.

Damn it. Now we gotta share!

Anyway, I wasn't exactly playing her. I loved her to death, but I also loved another. That's why I can't tell anyone about my side chick.

Well again, not necessarily a chick, either.

Alright, confession time! I've been seeing another while I've been seeing (Name), ok!? Fight me about it, okay? But the side I've been seeing isn't even a person… It's a statue. I think that's what you could consider it?

Okay, okay this is weird to say, but one time when I was younger Arthur and I were fooling around (not sexually) and then he was like 'let me tell you a secret.'. I wiped my head around and went 'Wut' and he said 'I can do magic' and I said 'No kidding?'. He nodded his head and pulled out his wand from his pocket. When I saw his wand I was like 'HAHA NOT A PENIS!' but I did say 'What can you do with something that big?'. He smiled, and said 'A lot'. I didn't understand what he meant by a lot.

So time went by and I went to him saying I was lonely and I had no friends. He told me to go play with Matthew since he was my brother but I didn't want to. I remember he broke one of my Lego planes I made and I wasn't ready to forgive him for that yet. I told him that and I think he got mad at me over it. And as a joke, he took his wand (not a penis, remember) and went to a local McDonald's and turned the Ronal McDonald into a living thing, brought it home and showed me.

At first, I cried because I was afraid of clowns. But then Ronal McDonald helped me rebuild the Lego plane AND my relationship with my brother! He never went back to McDonald's, but stayed with me and we became best friends.

Everyone but (Name) knows about him, and I don't tell anyone me and him are seeing each other.

Right now, actually he's in his bedroom. I don't know what he's doing, actually; I never do. All I know is that I but the bookcase over his door and locked him in there. Oh yes, we're Anne Franking it tonight. I actually always do that when (Name) comes over so they don't find out about each other.

"So you do like them?" I said, looking down at my phone while I debated whether or not to order another box of those cinnamon breadsticks. I decided against it. "Okay, baby." I said while scooting closer to her. I held her hand, but then I started to feel guilty; I always did when I would do this. But I quickly started to think about cheeseburgers, but felt even worse since I was doing this to Ronny (I call him Ronny, get over it). But Ronny was a two timer, too. You wouldn't believe what I caught him doing to the Ham-burgerler's statue a few weeks ago! We had a serious talk about that. Like, one to one kind of thing and I was going to send him to Maury if he didn't get his shit together kind of serious.

But I realized I wasn't any better.

Anyway, I was super horny now and I wanted to make out with my girlfriend who smelled like hamburgers. Who could blame me, though?

But I wasn't going to pounce on her like 'Wee' because that would be considered indecent AND could be considered sexual harassment. I sort of have a rep I need to protect.

So I held her hand tighter, looked her in the eyes and bit my lip. I know what I'm doing; I watch tons of porn, they do this a lot.

"What are you doing?" She asked, smiling. I just looked at her and could tell she wasn't in the mood. BUT NOT TO FEAR. I knew how to persuade her because I had science on my side. Thanks, Bill Nye!

Well, not Bill Nye in particular. I just don't know many scientific people…. I don't think Hitler would count, right? From my understanding, Germany was on top of science back in those days. Well, not on top since you can never beat the colors of freedom.

"Hey," I started, rubbing my hand up her arm. "Did you know that when I guy kisses a girl, their spit is filled with testosterone? And then that spit is absorbed by your tongue and all it goes into your blood stream or whatevers and makes you horny?" I said all romantically. I thought she'd love every minute of my sexy seduction but I don't think she was! But I'm a hero and all so I can so win her over!

"Um, that's nice." She said, smiling. I knew it was a fake smile; who she thinks she's fooling? I know her pretty much better than anyone else! "When's the pizza going to be coming?" She asked, trying to take the change the mood. But jokes on her; pizza gets me going , too.

"I don't know, I think like five, ten minutes maybe?" I said, inching closer to her. "But give me three or so minutes and I'll be done anyway." I said with a seductive voice. I've been working on it forever I think it was working now.

"Oh, well ok." She said. I knew I got her now! "Well, let's wait in till after pizza and all because I know I won't last three or so minutes." She said. I nodded my head, backing off. She was right; she does NOT last three minutes. Damn her and her lady parts!

But to break the silence between us since she HAD to make things awkward, I talked about all the other coasters I had that I didn't even open in the back of my closet. She just smiled and nodded her head.

Times like this make me super-duper happy. Like the happiness I feel when I go to chucky chesses happy. The happiness I feel whenever I see Matthew cry. The happiness I feel whenever I start a war for the hell of it. And the happiness I felt (keep in mind, this was a while ago) when I got Michelle Obama's nudes and threaten to spread them around when she wouldn't let me take their dog for the weekend. BoBo was such a sweetheart! He only bit me twice!

But I felt really awesome whenever I had my hot babe around. (Name) was the type of girl that came once in a while and what sucks is that I'm the two timer here. Why does being so hot so hard? God, this sucks. I really love her, but I really love Ronny.

Why is this so hard? And no, not my boner (I don't really have one right now) but the feelings of love? I love Ronny… But I think I love (Name) a little more than him. He never smells like burgers; he just smells like old fryers grease (not the good kind) and baby wipes.

And while I sat there, I thought about a lot. I thought of who I'd be happier with; (Name), or Ronny. I filed down all the pros and cons and (Names) cons were she likes cinnamon breadsticks, she doesn't believe my facts about spit and she likes to take long showers. Her perks were she's super nice, pretty and just a really awesome, funny person to be around.

Ronny on the other hand was….. Pretty much all cons. He always smelled weird, I still haven't gotten over my fear of clowns, I think he got Yekaterina pregnant a few times AND he doesn't flush the toilet. Wow, what a guy, am I right? But then there are emotional things with him…. The whole thing of him being a friend when I needed him most is making me feel like it would be a problem. He helped me with so many things… I just can't decide.

But while I sat her pondering (doesn't that sound sexual? Pondering… Pounding) to my heart's content on who I should stay with. And I had come to a conclusion. While I was sitting there musing (there's also a band called Muse!) (Name) had gotten the pizza because apparently it had come while I sat here doing all the stuff that reminded me of other things.

Once I saw she had brought me the pizza, I knew I had made the right choice.

"Thanks, baby." I said as she sat the pizza and stuff on the table. I smiled, smelling all the nummies that were in front of me. I looked at her, seeing her (EyeColor) eyes. "I love you." I said, smiling as I opened the box of wings.

"I love you, too." She said as she sat done next to me and we ate a whole lot of food. # Relationship Goals!

Anyway, we ate in happiness.

But I didn't think things through…. I still had Ronny to deal with. Eh, I guess I could keep him locked in his room in till he dies… But does he die? I don't know, but we'll see because that's where he's staying for a few weeks.

I grabbed my soda but dropped the damn coaster that rested on the bottom. You know when you have those cheap ones that stick to it when it's all wet? Yeah, that's the shit it pulled on me. Fucking hate that shit. But I bent down to get it and when I did I saw that (Name) was reaching for it, too.

"Oh, sorry." She said, backing away. I smiled, scooting closer to her.

"Oh, don't worry about it." I insured. She took her finger and placed it on my lip, wiping away something.

"You had barbeque sauce on your lip." She informed. I laughed.

And then it led to one thing to another and then we found ourselves having some dirty, kinky sex on the couch. All I could smell was pizza, hot wings and victory cinnamon breadsticks while I was going to town.

I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

~  
I walked up the stairs and looked down the hall, seeing the bookshelf still standing tall against his door. A few nights ago there was a lot of screaming and banging, but I thought he was just having a bad dream. So what whenever the bookshelf would move a bit, I'd move it back in front of the door so it stayed there.

But I think he's dead now, so we can all put this behind each of us and consider it sort of like water under the bridge.

I moved the bookshelf and held the doorknob between my fingers. I hesitated; what if he was naked? I know I've seen him naked before, but there were two types of naked. One type was the kind in porno's and the other was the kind at doctors' offices. It's important here not to confuse the porno's that have the doctor office settings because that is not what I mean at all.

But I wasn't saying that Ronald was giving himself a prostate exam but that he could be naked for none sexy time purposes. And that type of naked is awkward as hell.

So instead of barging in and seeing his (hopefully) dead, naked body, I wanted to make sure he was, in fact, dead as dead could be. I knocked on the door.

"Hey…." I said, putting my head on the door, trying to listen in. I heard the T.V on but nothing else. Damn it all, he left the T.V on for how long, though!? "Hey, Ronny, baby?" I went on, knocking louder this time just in case he was sleeping. I wanted to wake him up if he was.

But then I Yolo-ed it and figured he's probably dead and I need to hide the body somewhere. I'll probably set it on the bench in front of the McDonald's in town and let it take the spot as the statue.

I opened the door and I'll be honest; it smelled worse than normal. I understood that he was probably dead, but still… This is something a Glade candle could NOT handle. In fact, I may need to clean the room out completely and get some carpet cleaners here to get the smell out of here.

Bottom line is that this place was RAUNCHY as hell!

But I looked in and saw him lying on the bed, face down. I smiled; not the first time I've seen him like this.

Why am I making jokes about a dead person? I'm disgusting.

I walked over to him; he was lying on his bed sheets that I had gotten him for Valentine's Day. I smiled once I thought of the good memories that it had seen… Now it will see illegal ones.

I grabbed the remote on his nightstand since… Curious, is all. I started to poke him. I started giggling as I poked his ass cheek with the remote. It was fun, a lot of fun. I should kill people more often so I could play with their dead bodies!

But then I heard a groan. I was scared since I knew he'd chew me out but also, disappointed because I wanted to play dress up.

"A-A-Alfred?" He groaned, turning over to look at me. I quickly sat the remote behind me, not wanting him to see. "Where were you!?" He said a bit louder this time. He seemed to try to look pissed but it didn't work since he was probably so thirsty and hungry.

"I told you that I was going to…." I don't know!? I am lying after all! What sucks is that Gorge Washington told me not to but it's just hard not to when you left him in here to die! How do I tell him 'Oh, I trapped you in here so you could die so I could be with my girlfriend." without looking like an asshole? "Canada. I went to visit Matthew." I said as he turned over, looking at me.

Oh, I wish he wouldn't look at me; makes me feel like an ass.

"Really!?" He started to get louder. His voice was horse. "Why the hell couldn't I leave my room!?" Ronny was getting really pissed. I know why and all, but still. "I've literally been sitting in here drinking my own piss for… I don't know how many weeks!" He added. Like, TMI…

"Wow, dude." I said, putting my hands up. He started to get up from the bed. He probably wanted to lick my face with his peepee breath. "Calm the hell down."

"Calm down!?" He said, coughing. "I could have died!" He went on. Too bad he didn't, you know? He sat up and crossed his arms. "And you didn't call me or anything to check up on me?"

Oh shit. That is a good point. I'll just give it to him straight now. Lying isn't good, guys. No one should lie because it will send you to hell. Well, that's what Arthur says. I don't know if he's right, though.

"Look, I'll be honest here." I said, trying to calm him down. But I know after what I'll tell him now is just going to really tick him off. "I lied. I didn't go to Canada. Who the hell wants to go there? I locked you in here. I've been seeing another girl…" I started, he gasped.

"W-w-"

"There's more, just wait a second." I interrupted. God, I hate that. When people interrupt you when you're trying to tell them something serious? Yeah, just the worse. "I've actually been seeing her for a while now. And we have dirty, nasty sex all the time. Oh god, so nasty. The other day I thought I'd have to go to the hospital from the marks I had on my back. But yeah, I do her all the time and I think I'd like to stay with her for a really long time instead of you. But I didn't know how to tell you, so yeahs." I said, pulling my phone out, texting (Name). She's so cute. I like it when she tells me she wants to fuck me and stuff, makes me smile and go 'Aw, babe that's cute.' And all that stuff. But when I looked up at him from my phone, I saw that he was extremely pissed and looked pretty sad. Like a sad puppy; except I didn't find this puppy cute anymore. He was now considered the discount puppy that they didn't want anymore. Sorry, Marely; discount puppies aren't cute. J

"Y-Y-You tried to kill me!?" He said loudly as he started to cry.

"Yeah, kind of." I said, looking up at him from my Iphone. I love my Iphone, not as much as I love (Name), though. Ronny wasn't really anything but a friend now.

"Oh my god…" He said, turning his head from me. "You're a monster." He looked back at me. His red hair was all fucked up. Like majorly. He looked pretty funny. But the more I looked at him the more he looked like the clown from 'It'.

Oh shit. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE KIDS IN THAT MOVIE!? Oh fuck, this isn't cool anymore.

I looked over at his lamp while he started to cry; burying his hand in his hands type of cry. I knew I had to protect myself from this EVIL clown creature. So I grab his lap quietly and stood up. He didn't look at me; good.

I held it high and slammed it against his hand. LOL.

But I knew I had to take him somewhere; I think he was still alive. I couldn't kill him now; I figured out the McDonald's plan wouldn't work very well. I knew where I'd take him.

I called (Name).

"Hey babe, want to go on a road trip?" I asked, she said; Yeah, sure, to where? And then I said 'Oh, a few states over; it'll be a night trip.

Once I got done with her, I went outside and pulled my car into the backyard, went back up stairs and grabbed him and his blanket. He was so heavy, don't get me started but I was super strong so I knew what I was doing.

And once I got to the backyard, I set his body down on the grass and opened the trunk of my car. I then placed the blanket down since I did not want him to get anything in there! I just had this bad boy detailed a month ago; you think I'm risking it then you better get yourself check.

But once that was all done I took his body and placed it in the trunk, moving his hands around so he doesn't get his fingers broken. Really, I didn't care but hey, have a little respect for the nearly dead. I then slammed it shut and stretched. While stretching, I saw my neighbor, Phil, looking over at me. He was watering his garden like a dumbass. It'll rain soon.

I waved to him. "Good afternoon!" I saw, trying to break the awkwardness. I then pointed to the trunk. "He's not dead, I promise." I reinsured. I'm sure that's why he was staring at me with a look like 'Wtf should I call the police?'

He nodded his head and went back to tending to his garden. I got back into the driver's seat and headed over to (Name)'s house to pick her up. Now I was certain I would not be plowing her in the back seat since that would be incredibly rude to my barely still alive ex that was in the trunk. I have _some_ manners, you know. Arthur did teach me SOMETHING.

But yeah, I was going down the road pretty fast since I wanted to hurry up and get this done. Not picking her up; no, there was no problem. I just didn't want him to die (though that would be convent as hell) and make the trunk smell like him AND blood.

I looked down at my phone, seeing (Name) had sent me a text. She was asking if she would need to bring snacks. Ha! Hell no babe, I got all the money in the world. I sent her that, and I don't think I was paying attention to her because I felt a bump. Once I heard that bump, I heard another since Ronny's body moved around back there. I stopped the car, looked behind me and saw that Tino was visiting. Ha, cool!

But then I also looked over to see him crying and then Berwald looked pretty pissed. I looked in my review mirror to see them looking down at something in the road. I looked closer to see it was their dog.

Oh shit! I killed their dog with my reckless driving!

I quickly speed off over to (Name)'s house again. I put my phone in the cup holder and didn't look back. I knew Berwald would kick my ass!

"You never said where we were going." My sexy ass girlfriend said. Her tits were the bomb today. But I couldn't look at them since I was afraid Tino and Berwald got another dog and I'd run it over.

I looked at the road because you're kind of supposed to do that.

"Well, we need to take my friend home." I informed. Look, guys, I wasn't lying! Ever heard of those Ronald McDonald homes? He's got a lot of houses, by the way. But anyway, I figured I'd take him back were I'm sure Arthur got him from and turned him into a person or whatever.

"Oh.." She said, looking in the back seat. "Where is he?" She asked, turning back around.

…Fuck.

"He's in the trunk." I admitted. She looked horrified. I knew why, too. It made sense. Now she'll start nagging me. And that brings her hotness down for five minutes or so.

"What!?" She cried. "Why the actual fuck are you putting him in the trunk!? He could suffocate!" She bitched, making me groan. I then pulled over into a gas station's parking lot and went to the back of the store. I knew this wouldn't look too good in front of other people.

"Since you WANT TO BITCH ABOUT IT," I started, opening the door and going to the back. I opened the trunk; good, he was still alive. I could see him breathing. He was just knocked out. I then grabbed him and the blanket. I placed his body on the roof of the car while I set the blanket in the backseat down. I grabbed him and sat him up right and buckled him in. But then I thought about it and unbuckled him. If we get in a car accident, he'd be a goner for sure. But then I thought about it again; we'd get pulled over since he didn't have it on and try explaining THAT to the cops. So I buckled him back in.

"W-What the fuck is wrong with your friend!?" She continued to bitch as I got back into the car, everything fine for now.

"He fell down the steps." I lied. I don't care if I lie when she wants to nag me. "He's pretty messed up. He told me he wanted to go home right away, and I don't blame him." I said, driving out of the parking lot.

"Why didn't you take him to the hospital?"

"He didn't want to. His mom or something would do stuff for him. So I'm taking him home." I continued to lie, not caring in till she stopped nagging me. "He hit his head pretty hard so he decided to take a nap." I told her, but she seemed to be shocked for some reason.

"W-Whatever, Alfred." She said, looking out the window all emotional and shit. "Just whatever." She added, making me feel all bad. I kept my eyes on the road, making sure I didn't mess up and make him fall over or something.

"Are you menstruating?"

"What!? No?!" She said, looking back at me. I said 'oh' and then things went quiet for a while.

She was probably on her period but I won't saying anything about her uncontrollable womanly thingy. It makes sense why she was all pissed about it I mean I would be too. Can you imagine if boy's got periods? Oh shit, I'd cry to if I had blood constantly coming out of my little Johnson. Well, it's not really small. (Name) joked saying it was… I think 5 and half inches is perfectly fine!

But Ronny's Johnson isn't anything special. It's kind of not there.

But it didn't matter since I wasn't a fan of being pierced in the butt anyway. I did twice, and I don't think I'll do it again. Not because I thought it was nasty, but it just felt… Weird, I guess? And plus, the guy I was with the first time wasn't very gentle. Yeah, he wasn't very forgiving despite it being my first time.

And then the last guy suffered from uke-dick. If you do not know what uke-dick is, it is where the guy has a small penis. Have you ever read a doushin and see how the uke's peepee is all small compared to the monster seme weewee? Like, god damn, they're either tic-tac's or baseball bats.

But yeah, Ivan and Kiku were not fun at all.

I don't think I'd ever tell (Name) about young, childlike butt adventures. Since she doesn't play with my butt during that time, she doesn't need to know what I've put it through. I seriously feel bad for my ass because of the torment I've put it through. One time I went on taco bell binge and you should have SEEN my hole after a few days. Oh god, I thought I was going to die! Ugh, I had a will written and everything.

In my will I left all my belongs to Whaley and Tony so they could be living like high rollers.

"I'm hungry." I said, seeing a taco bell kfc mix. "Want KFC?" I asked, looking over at her. She nodded her head, still looking out the window trying to play still pissed at her sexy ass bf. "Cool!" I made a sharp turn making it into the parking lot. I cut off a lot of people and they kept beeping their horns at me. "What you want?" I said, pulling into the drive through.

"Popcorn chicken." She replied.

"Hey, welcome to KFC , what can I get you?" The voice asked behind the menu said.

"Yeah, I need some popcorn chicken, surprise me with the size and I'd like bucket of your finest fried chicken and a large Coke." I was so happy. I love fried chicken!

"Is Pepsi okay?" They asked. My brow twitched while I felt (Name) place her (Pale/Tan/Dark) hand on my shoulder, holding me back.

Of fucking course Pepsi is not okay! They are TWO completely different soda's! One's sweeter than the other and it just changes the whole taste. I hate these fucktards who consider them to be the same.

"I don't think so, buddy." I felt her tighten her grip around me. I heard her say 'No, Alfred.' But I don't give a fuck at the moment. Blind with rage, I felt myself starting to go crazy. "Is baby powder the same as cocaine, motherfucker, huh?" I hated when I got like this, but I would always get this way in this kind of situation. "Are plastic baggies the same as condoms?! Is Skrillex the same as music!?"

"Sir," They started, I feeling my blood starting to boil. "I'm sorry, is there anything else you would prefer other than Coke or Pepsi?"

"Do you have Mountain dew?"

"Yes."

"Give me that." I returned to my normal state. Good; I can get pretty ugly when they do that stupid shit.

~~

I ate my fried chicken happily about an hour ago, and my fingers were still greasy. I was still driving and she was sleeping since it was getting a bit late.

I looked in the mirror to see the Ronny was starting to breath better, which is good I guess. We were getting close to one of these Ronald McDonald homes. Well, by close I mean maybe another hour and a half. But we have a problem, guys; I was running out of gas and I did not see a gas station nearby.

I suddenly feel like Harold and Kumar a bit. But that's beside the point since I'm going to be strained out in the middle of nowhere with my girlfriend who is pissed at me AND on her period and a nearly dead clown thing. Can things get any worse?

Yes, yes they fucking can. You know why? WELL because I was getting a phone call from, get this, guys; BERWALD.

I went paler than usual; I was straight up white boy-ing this right now. I was now haunting this car with my whiteness when I got this call. And who the hell could blame me?! He was going to tackle my ass not with kisses and love, no, that was for Tino BUT with his feet and probably some of those swords or whatever.

But wait! I'm…. I don't actually know right not, and he's probably where I killed his dog. I could do whatever I wanted!

I hung up on him and *69-ed that bitch. You know what this does, guys!? It makes you have no caller ID or something like that so I could say whatever the hell I wanted at this point.

"Hello?" He answered. MUHAHA. "Who's this?"

"You're dog's dead!" I started to laugh. He growled through the phone. He was probably staring at a table more intensely than normal.

"…'''''''" …." He said (I think) with his thick ass accent. I decided to keep messing with him a bit more.

"Yeah, he's dead and his bloods on my tired. Vroom, vroom, motherfucker." I growled back, making him go silent.

"Alfred…." He breathed through the phone, heavily. I wanted to tell him to go get his inhaler or something but I heard my name and went 'OH SHIT'. "I will…." Breath. "Find you…." Breathing. " And I will…" MORE BREATHING. "Beat your…. Ass up…. My W'''!" He said again.

"What about her? Oh , and this isn't Alfred!" I said, trying to think of something "This is… Matthew!" Ha!

"Oh… Matthew! I'll get you!" And then he hung up.

Well, my brother was going to die. Okay! I get Canada now; YAY! I'll put America's theme park up there. I'll just make it a big ass six flags or something. Wait, it's too cold up there to do that! So I guess I'll take Canada and push everyone down in current America and push them up to Canada and make America a big Six Flags.

Oh, I can't wait!

But I was still running out of gas… Fuck.

But it was starting to be okay since I saw what appears to be a truck stop! Awesome! And that meant there'd be some hookers there and I could throw quarters on the concrete and watch them fight over it.

I pulled into the gas station and starting to pump gas. I watched as the amount of the thingy went up the more I made come out. Oh and before that I put my card in 'cause you gotta pay first.

But I looked over to the next pump because, I'll say it, I'm nosey. And I saw Matthew crying. WTF was he doing in America!?

"Matthew?!" I asked, looking over at him. He looked up at me, crying. I wanted to laugh, but I only did that behind his back. "What are you doing in my territory?!" He wiped his eyes.

"Oh, Alfred!" He shouted, running over to me, leaving the little handle for the gas pump in the car's slots. "You're just the person I wanted to see! Please take me where ever you're going; Berwald's coming after me for some reason and I don't know where to go!"

"Home." I said, simply as I took out the handle thing.

"I can't." He said, looking at the car. "I have a concert to go to next week. I figured I'd come here and stay longer. Is that Ronny?" He said, looking in the back. "Oh! How's he been?"

PFFT. Not very well lately. But I couldn't tell him that! So I'll tell him what I told my hot ass gf with the rocking tits.

"He fell down the stairs and I'm taking him home." I said as I put the handle back. I walked to the car and opened the door. I like my brother and what I did was sort of wrong, so I'll let him come with me. I wanted to start the car first so I could lock him in just in case he wanted to leave. Before he'd be able to leave, I'd speed off into the distance so he couldn't leave. "Come on, Berwald won't get you."

"Yay!" He cheered, running over to the other side of the car, opening it up. Before he could look down and right after he shut the door I locked it (just to be safe) and sped off. He started to buckle himself in. "Thank you so much!" He pulled on the strap. "I'm so glad you're takin- AH OH MY GOD!" He cried, looking down at Ronny who had started to turn blue. Unfortunately, his screaming had wakened (Name) up and that meant more bitching and complaining. "Was there glass at the end of the steps?!"

"No." I said, turning down the road. Look, I was getting pretty pissed at everyone judging my lies. "What makes you say that?"

"There's a shard of glass in his cheek!" Matthew said, pointing to the glass that was stuck in his skin. Oops.

"Who's this?" (Name) asked. Yeah, she never met Matthew.

"That's my brother." I replied, acting as if Matthew didn't say anything about my half dead ex. Does that mean he's a zombie?... "He's pretty nice, why don't you two get to know each other?"

And then they started talking. YESS! Now they won't talk to me because right now there's about to be a hell lot of exits that I need to pay attention to.

But when you're smashing something that has glass on it and all, you can't really do a clean job of things. I kind of regret bringing (Name) along. I thought she'd be a bit more supportive, but hey, whatever. I guess I can't really expect her to be completely on board with this.

But Matthew, god damn, he was just holding me back. Yeah, he was talking to (Name) but he made my attempt at murder more noticeable. I hate him right now. I kind of want to 'push' him down the stairs now…Heheh… Wait, no! That's my brother! I can't do that. Eh, I won't but he better realize what I can do.

I think Ronny was either dead or extremely close to it. I think he may have pooped himself. You know you do that when you die? Well yeah, I think he's dead now. Again, oops. He had a good run, I guess. Now I feel like I can't take him back home. I'd probably have to talk to his mom and all. Can you even bring a dead person home? When I say that, I mean go up to them like 'Yeah, he kind of… died, but you can have him back' or something like that.

Can you do that? I dunno, but I'd google it right now if it wasn't dark and there weren't woods around. I'm afraid I'd hit some deer. Have you ever hit one of those things? They'll FUCK up your car; no lie!

Matthew hit a moose once with his car AND his penis. All in different nights, though. I think.

But they were talking about stupid stuff… I think it was facebook? I don't know, I have a facebook and all but I don't use it often. I think it's overrated if anything; MYSPACE FOR LIFE.

Oh yes, you can hit me up on Myspace. I remember when I went through my emo phase; hell yes, they are still all over that website like white on rice. I wanted to be a scene queen despite the fact I had a penis. But don't all scene queens?

AH! YAY! We're getting closer to his house! I can't wait to get his ass out of my car because I was still certain he had just shit himself. Even when he is dead, he still makes things worse.

"What's that smell?" Matthew said like it just happened. Did he not smell it like, five minutes ago like I did or something? "Smells like poo."

"Yeah, it does." (Name) said, pinching her nose. Are we all seriously just smelling this!? I must have a bloodhounds nose. "It smells exactly like poop." She repeated what no-life had said. "Alfred, did you fart?" She asked.

Wow, really? Blame it on the fa…. FAMILY GUY. I'm not fat, but I am a family guy since I do have a large family consisting of many people. I am NOT fat. I'm big boned. And besides, if I was the F-A-T word, then I'd still be beautiful. Just because you're fat, boys AND girls, doesn't mean I don't want to bang you. Just because you got chubby arms or legs or belly or… I don't know, whatever else could be chubby doesn't mean I won't have sex with you. But right now, I can't show you how very true that is because I am dating (Name) right now. And I'm sure her tits are a lot cooler than anyone else's.

But yeah, I dig fat chicks. Call me Bill Clinton…. Haha, Clit-ton! GET IT!? Because he's a pervert and all?... No? Well fine.

"No, I did NOT fart." I defended myself. I bet she's got those nasty period farts. "Did you with your butt cannon or something?"

"No, I did not." She replied, not amused.

I turned and there I saw it! I say the brick building with the words 'Ronald McDonald House' and I nearly SHIT MYSELF like he just did! I was so excite because now it won't smell like shit anymore!

I pulled into the parking lot quickly and pulled up into the section where they put cars and all. I parked the car, not wanting to turn it off and got out of it. "Stay here," I said, opening the Ronny's door. "It'll be quick." I added, walking to the front of the building and then dropped him from my shoulders.

Yup! He did shit himself like a nasty little bastard but I don't think he's dead yet; he's still breathing. Not much but he's still going. From the looks of it inside, no one was really there. That's funny; his house looks like a business kind of place. Oh well.

I went back to the car and grabbed his blanket and gave it to him. I'm sure he'll be cold. I don't think anyone's going to be coming outside to get him for a while and I don't want him to freeze to death.

And once I was done and all I got back in the car, the two of them very morphed with me. Why? I don't know but I do know I want a milkshake right now. I've done a lot today and tonight. It was about 2:30 in the morning and I wanted to reward myself with a yummy yummy thick milkshake from dairy queen so fight me about it.

"W-W-Why'd you do that to Ronny?" Matthew asked, looking behind him. He probably saw a blanket covered lump on asphalt. But hey, he's not my problem anymore; it's his mommy's. Only bad part now is that it still smelled like shit in here. "You couldn't have taken him inside!?"

I then grew frustrated with HIS bitching now! Whatever I do, someone's going to start bitching about it.

To be a bad ass, I decided to go in reverse all quickly and not look behind me. Unfortunately, it seems I did not learn my lesson from early about paying attention while driving.

Yup! If you guessed I ran over top of Ronny, then you guessed correctly! Everyone fell still and quiet. It was only one bump and I saw that (Name) was about to cry. But I was apparently the only one who knew that we weren't going to go anywhere in till I ran him over AGAIN. But I had to this time in order to move and stuff.

"Do you _really_ think it's a good idea to bring him inside now?" I saw (Name) starting to cry.

"IF ANY TIME WAS BETTER, THIS ONE WOULD BE!" Matthew shouted at me, about to cry. "YOU KILLED HIM! YOU KILLED RONNY!"

GOOD! That's kind of what I wanted to do! But looks like I gotta start playing 'Oh, I didn't mean to! It was an accident! Blah, Blah, Blah.'

So I put the car in park, AGAIN and looked at the blanket covered body. It was fucking nasty; there was blood, there was shit. Like, guys, when I say there was shit, there was SHIT. All. Over the place. It was like he was a toothpaste container and I squeezed all that nasty shit toothpaste out and just… EW.

But I took it and I picked him up and walked to the door. I opened it and looked in and saw a woman behind the desk. I assumed that was his mom. I then tossed his body in. She jolted away, distorted and all but she didn't see me. GOOD. Ronny did not come to me this way and I don't think you want to return him this way, either.

"Ronny's home and I think he's dead." I said as I walked back to my car and got in. Then I drove away.

They both continued to bitch at me. Constantly! There was no fucking end! They wanted me to call the police on myself! Like I gave that much of a fuck. But I didn't, and they all calmed down when I told him that his mom was taking care of him.

But yeah; they all calmed down and it was great. But then I felt someone bump into my car, and I was like 'WTF' because this was one of those bumps where it's like 'is my car okay?'.

I stopped my car because that's what you do after a car accident; you exchange information and all so someone can get their car fixed for free. But no, this motherfucker just kept pushing me!

I looked in my review mirror and saw a certain very angry Swedish man with his Finnish partner. Tino was looking down at his phone, pointing to my car. Oh shit….

THEY'VE BEEN TRACKING MATTHEW!


End file.
